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Nearest Restroom?

Merlin Orr

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Hope none of these are repeats...

An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

This good looking man walks into an agents office and says, "I want to be a movie-star.

" Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all

the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name? "

The guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name.

"I will NOT change my name! ! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. ...Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. . . . you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian! ! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! ! I guess, we will not do business together, " the guy said and he left the agent's office.


The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50, 000. The agent is awestruck. . . . who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed. . .

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.


Dick Van Dyke

Female Fantasy

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8 percent of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning

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