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Tell one on your wife


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My wife once called me while I was I six hours a way to tell me there was a snake on our back porch. She explains to be that it's coming after her and she can't get away. Suddenly she starts screaming " it's coming in the house." I told her to close the sliding door and it could get in. She then say "it can just push it open so I better lock it too." Yes dear lock the door that will keep the snake out for sure. She called my brother to drive 30 minutes to run it off cause she was afraid it would come after her again.

She boiled eggs for Easter but only left them in for 2 minutes. There were some very unhappy people that found them eggs. The next year she boiled them longer. Whites were done by the yoke was not. The third year they asked her to buy plastic eggs.

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went fishing one time. Is a different boat than the ring incident. Its a 25 foot walk around the cabin with twin 150 Yamaha. Well we got done fishing and we're heading back in she decided she wanted to learn how to drive the boat. We get close to the dock, I get the boat pointed towards the dock, moving slow, and bump it into neutral. I go up and stand in the pulpit, to jump out, so i can stop the boat. I tell her, when I get out, just back the boat up, and I'll go get the truck. All is going well, until she decides we're not moving fast enough to the dock. She puts the boat in gear, and now we're picking up speed. I've got my hands on the bow rail, real close to the floating dock now. ..going too fast... I tell her to put it in reverse, to stop the boat, so we don't slam into the dock...Forward is throttles forward, reverse is throttles back, right? She slams both throttles all the way forward, launching the bow out of the water, onto the floating dock, crushing it. I'm hanging on for dear life, cause I was expecting to be going backwards, not forwards...there are people fishing on the dock, btw... I estimate about 10' of my boat went onto the dock. Realizing what she did, she does the most logical thing in her mind...slam the throttles full reverse. This instantly somersaults me over the bow rail, landing face down on a pelican and seagull crap covered, broken floating dock, with people coming to see if I was alright. I regain my footing (and composure) look back at the water, and the boat is 50 yards offshore, backing in a semicircle, and moving away. I tell her to put it into neutral, and I'll be back in a few minutes with the truck...she's crying, sobbing, said she thought she'd killed me when I flew over the rail... I get back with the truck, by now there is quite a crowd, so instead of risking the same thing again....I dive in and swim out to the boat to bring it in. Not a word was spoken by either of us for at least an hour.....She doesn't want to learn to drive the boat anymore...

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One thing I will never do with her again is to ride a jet ski with her....rolled over in the lake, cause she didn't lean....an hour trying to help her get back on it...I ended up facing backwards to help her on, then driving the damn thing facing backwards up to the beach, cause everytime I tried to turn around on it, she fell off again.

Now, she wants me to buy kayaks....I gotta start taking videos of this crap...

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Wife sends me this pic at work. She don't want her baby birds to get eaten. When I get the picture text I call home. She has my sons Red Rider BB gun and has run out of BBs. She is only 4-5ft away! Bird house full of dents, BBs stuck in deck post. I killed the snake when I got home. Good thing she didn't grab a 22 or something bigger.

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I am not about to tell anything funny or embarrassing about my sweetie. In 36 years she has put up with Open Class Softball, bass tournament fishing, motocross racing, flat track motorcycle racing, tournament paintball, long range rifle and now USPSA, not to mention all of my BS. This saintly woman OK'd the purchase of a new Honda CR-250R about five days before the wedding. She also has purchased at least 12 guns for me, including paying for the last half of my Akai Custom 6". How she ever put up with my Type A personality bull is beyond me. There ARE some funny stories, but I would not think of embarrassing her by telling .

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Grumpy, that's some funny stuff. I can visualize the lawnmower stuck there and the look that must've been on your face...

Yea that one is cracking me up!

I damn near gave myself a hernia trying to yank it off that tie down. The first time, I didn't know how it was stuck, and I was mad, so I yanked on it pretty hard, but was expecting it to come free of whatever it was stuck on...it didn't budge...
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Just two weeks ago . . . I ride to the IGA store with my wife. The parking lot has a pretty good slope to it, and we are parked pointed down hill. She comes out of the store, gets in, starts the engine and fumbles with her purse. (the vehicle is still in park). The car next to me (passenger side) starts backing up (they are pointed up hill). Ellen starts screaming and pumping on the brake pedal . . . "WE ARE MOVING . . . DAVE, HELP ME!!!" I finally convince her the car beside us is moving . . . not us.

Had my wife's Jeep Liberty actually been coasting, it would have been coasting up hill :roflol:

I am embarrassed to admit that I have done something similar at a redlight. I was in the turnlane and the cars beside me were going straight. Their light turned green and started moving, which made it feel like I was going backwards. I know the feeling she had!

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One thing I will never do with her again is to ride a jet ski with her....rolled over in the lake, cause she didn't lean....an hour trying to help her get back on it...I ended up facing backwards to help her on, then driving the damn thing facing backwards up to the beach, cause everytime I tried to turn around on it, she fell off again.

Now, she wants me to buy kayaks....I gotta start taking videos of this crap...

If you had video, you might be halfway to a reality TV show..... :P :P

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One thing I will never do with her again is to ride a jet ski with her....rolled over in the lake, cause she didn't lean....an hour trying to help her get back on it...I ended up facing backwards to help her on, then driving the damn thing facing backwards up to the beach, cause everytime I tried to turn around on it, she fell off again.

Now, she wants me to buy kayaks....I gotta start taking videos of this crap...

If you had video, you might be halfway to a reality TV show..... :P :P
I guarantee it would've gotten a billion hits on you tube...
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Watching the Cardinals/Dodgers game this evening, a wide angle shot showed many in Busch Stadium twirling white towels over their heads. I explained that it is a local tradition in St Louis to pull off your Jockeys and wave them while the Cards are winning. "But, .. really? Why? Does it symbolize something?"

On an evening stroll around our townhouse development some years ago, she pointed at the deck and sliding door of one such home and announced, "Hey! Those people have our curtains ... and the same patio furniture we do!" Yup, our house.

There are dozens of other similar accounts but that's enough for now.

Mark

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