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Tell one on your wife


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Not my wife but a girlfriend from years ago who was from the south. I brought her home to Montana to met the family, she goes into a gas station and asks for a lighter, the clerk looked at her kind funny went in the back and came out with a ladder:)

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My wife somehow forgot that Delaware was a state, didn't know we were crossing the Mississippi River which at the time we lived right by. Apparently she isn't real good at geography, I would say the scariest part of all if this is she is a nurse. O and as mentioned in another thread she managed to sneeze in my mouth. Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk<br /><br /><br />

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Just two weeks ago . . . I ride to the IGA store with my wife. The parking lot has a pretty good slope to it, and we are parked pointed down hill. She comes out of the store, gets in, starts the engine and fumbles with her purse. (the vehicle is still in park). The car next to me (passenger side) starts backing up (they are pointed up hill). Ellen starts screaming and pumping on the brake pedal . . . "WE ARE MOVING . . . DAVE, HELP ME!!!" I finally convince her the car beside us is moving . . . not us.

Had my wife's Jeep Liberty actually been coasting, it would have been coasting up hill :roflol:

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The only mistake my wife ever made was marrying me. :)

^^ This ^^

I constantly have to pinch/remind myself how lucky I am that mine has the courage (what's the female equivilent to stones?) to overlook all of my idiosyncracies and shortcomings....

I do try to make up for it now and then. I put a kitchen faucet in for her folks this past weekend.

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I'll play it safe and tell one on the ex-wife instead. We lived on top of a somewhat steep hill and I always parked my truck facing down the drive. I took her car to work one day to do some work on it, she was going to drive my truck. Shortly, I got a phone call at work from her asking how to release the parking brake. (she had only driven the truck a couple times) As I'm explaining to her where to find it, I hear her fumbling around and finally she said "there it is", I hear the noise of it releasing... the next thing I hear is her screaming bloody murder and getting further away from the phone. I couldn't get a response so, scared out of my mind, I raced the mile and a half home to find her crying, sitting on the tailgate of my truck... in the ditch across the road from my house. She had put the truck in drive and little did I know she had stepped out of the truck to look for the parking brake release. She had held onto the door all the way down the drive, across the road, and into the ditch. Her legs were black and purple for weeks after.

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I have several...I was out of town, and she called me...Promise you won't be mad before I tell you what I did...So I did...I had an old Bronco, that previous week I was home, I had gotten stuck in the backyard pulling a stump. It was stuck cause the hubs were worn out. She had hooked my Tahoe up to it, using a 10k lb strap, cinched around the middle of the Bronco bumper, then tried to pull it out with the Tahoe. What she didn't want me to be mad about was she almost pulled the front bumper off of the Bronco, and pulled a sharp V 8nto the middle of it, and the Bronco was still stuck, and now I had massive ruts in the yard....I asked her...Did you put the Bronco in nuetral? Nope, she tried to pull it out while it was still in park.

Second one... She called me, told me to bring gas home cause the lawnmower was out...so I needed a new can anyway, so I bought one, filled it and went home. When I got home, I noticed that the lawnmower was parked in the normal spot, and I thought, that's strange...So I asked her, did you push the mower back to the normal spot? No, I drove it...Well, how do you know it needs gas then? Cause it stopped cutting the grass....(the belt had come off)....I explained that when a vehicle runs out of gas, it generally stops making ALL noise, not just some noise...

Third...had a $400 water bed mattress and she wanted a regular mattress. I agreed. I had to work that night, so I put the hose in the mattress to drain it (was gonna move it to the spare room), and went to sleep, then got up later and went to work. Got home the next morning, walked in the bedroom, and it was all gone. I asked her, what happened to the mattress? Well, you shoved the hose in there so far, I couldn't get it back out, so I took scissors and split the fill nozzle down the side to get the hose out. But it's ok, you can tape it back together. ...she cut the $400 mattress to save a piece of garden hose that was 15' long cause it had been run over by the lawnmower...by her....cause, she thought I would be mad if she had cut the end off of the hose....

I can go on and on....

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First house we bought... At one time, some sort of overhead power lines ran through the back yard. The lines were gone, along with the poles, but they had left one of the guide wire anchors in the ground. ..You know the kind, about 1.25 thick, giant "eye" at the top where they attach the cable to. I took a piece of pipe, and drove it into the ground next to it so I wouldn't hit it with the mower...those damn things are about 5' deep, and this was hardpan clay...no way was I gonna dig it out...I came home one day, and the wife says...The lawnmower is stuck in the backyard....I thought, thats odd, how do you get a pushmower stuck? So, I went out back...She had pulled the pipe I drove in the ground up, and had ran the lawnmower over the tie-down. The blade had wrapped around the tie-down, locking the mower in place...I had to dig a hole around the mower to reach under and take the blade off before I could move the mower...then un-bend the blade from around the tie-down...the tie-down was fine...it was barely scratched....the mower was toast...it bent the crank when she hit the tie-down...She says that she thought that I just drove the pipe in the ground just because I wanted a pipe in the ground...

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One on my Ex...

Home town DQ had a weird parking lot with a light pole mounted on a large 4 ft concrete base. This pole was in the middle of the parking lot. Ex-wife drives into the parking lot, parks between the strips in front of the pole, gets out and gets her and some friends something cold to eat. After snacks, they get in the car, she puts it in reverse, steps on the gas, and Wham! Nails the concrete base putting a large dent in the rear bumper and tailgate of her parent's 1970 Chevy station wagon. Pushed the bumper past the tailgate. She then pulls up, gets out and looks at the damage...fearful what her parents are going to say. She gets back in, puts it in reverse and Wham...hits the concrete base again, this time shattering the rear glass in the station wagon tailgate. And she was not a blonde.

Not once, but TWICE? :goof:

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Got a call from the ex. At the gas station. "Honey, the gas caps broken and won't come off". Oh crap. So I drive 40 minutes home.

Righty Tighty. Lefty Loosey. Enough said.

I could say more, but I don't want my alimony raised.

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We were out knee boarding/tubing on the lake one summer afternoon. I had taken off my wedding ring, and put it on my key chain...you know the type, push it together, the pull apart, you separate your keys...it was in the middle...Get through playing, pull up to the 40' dock, she gets out of the boat, and asks for my keys, to open the truck to let it cool off...I give them to her..She instantly pushes the 2 pieces of the key chain together, and pulls them apart, to give my wedding ring back to me...I watched it shine and shimmer in the sunlight, as it fell towards the dock, hitting and bouncing back up into the air, all Lord of the Rings like....Then it made the most beautiful ripple in the reddish brown water of the lake at the end of the dock....I spent the next 2 hours diving and searching through the mud and muck, while others power loaded their boats, till the sun went down, searching for my ring...Never found it...

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She went to the beach, in her brand new Mustang GT I bought her and got stuck. Paid a guy $50 to pull her out, then promptly got stuck again...He generously pulled her out again, this time for free....Now, I had been on the beach with her, in this same GT, and never had an issue....she ended up getting pulled all the way off the beach to a paved road....she never took the traction control off, so every time it would spin the least little bit, it would cut power to the wheels.

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She made a big pot of spaghetti once...and dumped half of a very large container of cayenne pepper into the sauce, cause the lid was the same color as the garlic powder lid. ...both jars were clear in color....in case you didn't know, cayenne pepper is red, and garlic powder is yellow...it was a bit spicy...

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