Random Jokes

[OnlyAlpha1124]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

[OnlyAlpha1124]

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex." Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear, "Your sister has tighter pussy than you," and try to hold on for 8 seconds.

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said "What are you doing?"

She said "I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedophile."

And the guy responded "Pedophile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old"!

[OnlyAlpha1124]

Two guys walk into a bar. They order a drink an sit down. A man from acros the bar yells at the 1st guy, "Hey I ****ed your mother!"

1st guy's friends says "Oh boy! Don't mind him!"

Stranger: "An she sucked my cock!"

1st guy is trying to control his temper...

Stranger: "She likes it deep an hard!"

Finally the 1st guy gets up and yells at the man, "Dammit, Dad! You are drunk, go home!"

[OnlyAlpha1124]

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn't say:

You woke me up for that?

Do you smell something burning?

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

Got any penicillin?

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I want a baby!

But everybody looks funny naked!

Did I mention the video camera?

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

Did I remember to take my pill?

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

What tampon?

I have a confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please

I think biting is romantic- don't you?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like?

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

-------------------------------

Guys shouldn't say:

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

But I just brushed my teeth...

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel...

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more people...

That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

Now I know why he dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing

about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

You can cook, too right?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?