Sweet present from the wife

[Merlin Orr]

For my fifty second birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a

week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am

still in great shape since playing football 55 years ago, I decided it

would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and

made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who

identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for

athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my

enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to

chart my progress.................

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well

worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for

me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes

and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed

me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.

She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing

next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful

way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my

gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time

she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank five cups of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda

made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she

put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I

made the full kilometre.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a

whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer

or stop. I parked in an ACROD zone in the club parking lot. Belinda was

impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she

scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt

when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why

the h**l would anyone invent a machine to simulate

an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help

me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s**t too.

Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her

thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being

a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me

to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in

the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on

the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that b**ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any

other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic

little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without

unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on

my triceps. I don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the

floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs

more than a sandwich.(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school

you attended and graduated with honours. The treadmill flung me off and

I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly

voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me

want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength

to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of

the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife

will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[GrumpyOne]

Ah, birthdays, don't you love 'em?

[EduardoM]

OMG i had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard , even choked a little bit , wed, thur,fri and saturday are a laughter