SiG Lady Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 This was e-sent to me yesterday by our notorious forum member representative out in St. Louis... THE RETROSEXUAL MALE: Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world! Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. " The Code : A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE. A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.) A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title. A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV. A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it. A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up". Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Ford truck. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face. A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils. A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land. Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both. A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country. A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Thanks, Siggy! It's nice to know that classy women still expect men to be men. I'll add one of my own: A Retrosexual's wife sees the goofy ads on TV for those "male attention deficit" drugs and can't help laughing out loud at the concept. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tman33_99 Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey I assume having this in a box in the garage labeled "Hunting Clothes" qualifies. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey There are other knots??? I guess I am a retrosexual....and all this time I thought I was a lesbian.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sixgun Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 All this time my wife thoght I was a Neanderthal! I'm actually classified as a Retrosexual. Man it feels good to be at the top of the food chain! A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code. My wife still looks at me funny when a deer carcass comes home with me after being properly "ventilated" (I'm a bowhunter). The looks get even worse during the home butchering. That part falls under "Dealing With It". Ray Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duane Thomas Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I guess I'm not a true full bore Retrosexual. A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE. Usually. But the God's honest truth is it just makes a woman feel so good if you let her pay, at least occasionally. And I'm all for making women feel good. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. Not a hunter. Not that I wouldn't kill my own meat, but I figure that's why God invented those little plastic packs of turkey. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey. Did I mention that "not a hunter" part? A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot. Am I disqualified if I know how to do a half Windsor and full Windsor? Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. I sometimes cry at movies and TV shows. Hell, Ted Nugent cried when Old Yeller died. Personally I cried when Frosty melted (we're going back a ways there), Spock died, and the Enterprise blew up. A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) Speaking as someone who spent ten years on active duty in the United States Army, I never expected anyone to give up their seat for me. If I can DEAL WITH IT, so can they. A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. Having been screwed several times by people who didn't understand the concept "your word is your bond," I have to admit, as time goes by, I'm seeing the sense more in contracts. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him. I'm also seeing the sense in the idea that, if the other partner in a verbal contract totally violates every civilized rule of moral behavior and does not keep their end of the bargain, de facto Partner #1 is relieved of any moral responsibility to keep their commitments to a broken contract. You have to act like a decent person to be treated as a decent person. Everthing else applies. Does that make me quasi-Retrosexual? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old shooter Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Ok, I was at a music festival yesterday, and I am just guessing, but I don't think that this guy qualifies as a Retrosexual...... Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duane Thomas Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Which is why the women obviously hate him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I think we can grant "full-bore Retro status" to guys who have distinguished themselves above and beyond the call in some areas. I mean Duane, you're a gunwriter and ten year military man for Pete's sake! No namby-pamby group of males is going to let you join. I think we can let you slide on not hunting and on actually knowing how to properly attire yourself. (I'd like to know how to tie a neck tie in more than one way too.) As long as you confine your fancy neckties to marrying and burying affairs, you get no trouble from the rest of us. Of course, I'm hoping nobody wants to revoke my FBR status based on my abilities as a fry cook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Dunlop Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 women Duane? convincing eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duane Thomas Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Totally, dude! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duane Thomas Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Of course, I'm hoping nobody wants to revoke my FBR status based on my abilities as a fry cook. Grilling the meat slain with Retrosexual-level hunting skills, no doubt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted April 18, 2004 Author Share Posted April 18, 2004 I voluntarily butchered and dressed an entire deer one day when my ex (a full-blown weirdo and wuss, but that was another whole story) was too frankly chicken-s**t to do so. He'd shot the thing on our property with the assistance of someone who came in and actually knew what he was doing, then 'ex' went totally whacky when it came time to DEAL WITH IT. I proceeded to do the deed (it was no big deal--and I, even, was on a vegetarian diet at the time) and never let him forget it. He never shot another deer. Do I get some female retrosexual credit for that event...? I DEALT WITH IT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warpspeed Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Thank You Sig Lady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JD45 Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 SigLady, I want to thank you for such an excellent post, and for taking proper care of the deer that was killed. I agree with you totally. I've been hunting since I was eight and I continue to see people hunt that shouldn't . Who in the hell decided that it was time to infest nearly all of T.V. with something that most of our population never asked for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twix Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 "Retrosexuals?" We real ones don't need a label to distinguish us from the media/Hollyweird creations. We sure as heck don't need a list to check off who we are. I liked your post though. tomb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeffro Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Doggone SigLady, Too bad you didn't get any response to your initial posting here!!! Best as always, Jeffro Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted April 19, 2004 Author Share Posted April 19, 2004 twix-- 'Retrosexuals' distinguish THEMSELVES. It's just nice to give 'em a little credit from time to time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skywalker Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Am I disqualified if I know how to do a half Windsor and full Windsor? Wheew... I'm not alone... ...thanks Duane! OTOH, having been a retrosexual for some 37 years, sometimes I felt like an amish among 21st century people (no offense to amish people intended). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErikW Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Give the guy a break; that's not a skirt. It's obviously a RealTree camo kilt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nik Habicht Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 But why's the guy wearing it? If he's after prey, he should know that all the other people will have scared off anything edible... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mactiger Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Ummm, I know from kilts, and if that's supposed to be one, he ought to beat the *&%# out of the person who sold it to him. It's not long enough, nor is it finished correctly. And that's some really weird looking "realtree". Looks like a dude in a miniskirt to me. Troy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liota Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Troy, I'm with you. That's a skirt. No self-respecting Scot would be caught dead in one of what that guy's wearing. Liota Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mactiger Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Here's a bit more kilt information: http://www.utilikilts.com Be sure to check out the gallery pages. Funny and irreverent, but some real good looking casual kilts. I'm thinking I need one or two for this year's Nationals. Also, along another thread, I think the survival kilt might be the kilt-wearer's equivalent of the 5.11 pants. Troy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince Pinto Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner Presuming that Aussies can subsititute "Waltzing Matilda" and/or "Advance Australia Fair" for "The Star Spangled Banner", I'm definitely a Retrosexual. And if Troy wears a kilt to the US Nationals, that must make the front cover of "Front Sight" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 I am getting into thing late but I would add one more. a retrosexual man always treats a woman like a lady until she starts acting like a man, then he can Deal With It. Are you sure John Wayne or someone did not write this list. It is way cool. Watched Patton the other night and his soliloquy at the first of ther movie is definately retrosexual. "...all this stuff you hear abuot Americans not wanting to win is a bunch of horse dung." "...the Army is a team. This individually stuff is a bunch of crap." damn it makes me feel better already to know that there are women out there who can recognize a real man when she sees one and she knows how to Deal With It/Him. Vixzen has always had my vote for understanding retrosexualism and even gets lots of points for her handling of the deer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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