Hating Myself

[EricW]

I hate the fact that I hate my shooting - actually I hate that my shooting is so utterly undisciplined now. I've turned into a hoser. Shot a one and a half horse indoor match yesterday. Went into it with an OK attitude.

Slung two or three Charlies at 35 feet on the first stage. Sweet Jesus!

Slung one Delta on the classifier, which was, of course, Virginia Count.

By that time, I'm so damned disgusted with myself that I don't even care. I just slung lead at the last two stages, left and had a shitty attitude for the rest of the day.

Anything but alphas inside 50 feet is just totally inexcusable. My front sight was clearly buried to the left of the notch where I slung the Delta on the classifier, but I pulled the trigger anyway. I wish I could walk into a match with my head screwed on straight. It just kills me. I'm not going to get creamed at major match because my shooting skills are so inadequate, but because I lack the personal discipline to stop pulling the trigger until I see what should.

[spook]

Wow, truly a great post. I've been there, and sometimes still am. What I've found out so far is that it doesn't matter what you "think" of your shooting. It happens anyways. I traded "being disgusted with myself" for "objectively enhancing my flaws" and it's the best thing I have done concerning shooting, ever.

I screwed a pretty big match up some time ago. It was a three day match. On the first stage I threw a mike. That set the tone for the rest of the match, and not because I shot like crap, but because my attitude sucked. Like you said, it didn't matter anymore. I didn't care anymore. I just shot the stages as fast as I could. I came in sixth at 86%. the number three was at 89%.

That's when I learned that "it really ain't over until the fat lady sings". If my attitude wouldn't have sucked, I could have been 3rd, or maybe even 2nd. I realized that I was disgusted with myself, and was contaminating myself with a negative self image, because I wasn't shooting like I wanted to shoot. But in the meantime, I realized that nobody shot like I wanted to shoot. I demanded way too much of myself.

My advice to you (and then I'll leave the soapbox to others ) is to take it easy on yourself. Beating yourself up will not improve anything and it will make you feel like crap. And don't give up when things don't exactly work out like you want them to. Eric G. won the last WS with an enormous jam on one of the stages (cost him about 3 seconds )

I doubt if would have won if he would have let that influence his performance on the remaining stages.

[EricW]

I know...

I need to look at the next stage as a new opportunity. Somehow, in the midst of the humiliation of slinging a shot 8" off the mark at point-blank range, that gets lost.

[PaulW]

Get this. At the FL Open Chris Tilley took 2nd overall and 1st GM. A few days later I was thinking about it and said "didn't Chris have 2 mikes on stage 5?". YEP, I went back and looked and sure enough he did. You would have never known. Talking about being mentally in control. I emailed him about it and he said "letting your competition see that your mad or upset is a weakness." He said there was nothing he could do to change the situation and getting upset or mad would not help anything. WOW what a great mindset.

My take is shoot each stage the best you can. You don't throw mikes or delta's on purpose, so don't beat yourself up over it. Get to the line and shot the best you can period. If your sloppy with control, that where PRACTICE comes into play and you need to work on it. Getting pissed at yourself won't do any good. Same goes when you burn one down, don't pat yourself on the back to much.

[Detlef]

if you've ever shot with the super squad, you know just how unbelievably often they screw up! The key is twofold (IMHO): 1. They do it vey fast and apply corrective action where you and I don't. 2. They continue to play their game, it doesn't throw them off.

--Detlef

[AikiDale]

[pompous sensei mode]

You do not need an excuse to be down on yourself. Nor do you need to perform well to feel good about yourself. You saw what you did and you know why you did it. Do better next time if you like. I do not have Brian's book here so I can not quote it exactly, but there is a message in it which instructs us to let the 'seeing' teach us what we need to know. Good advice. If you are suffering now it may be as the Buddhists teach, all suffering comes from desire. ? [/pompous sensei mode]

We all have a bad day now and then, I'd blame it on the Full Moon if I were you!

[benos]

I need to look at the next stage as a new opportunity.

Or each shot.

be

[EricW]

And once again, Brian solves a three paragraph "issue" in one sentence.

[schmitz]

EricW,

You are human, aren't you?

With kind regards, Henny.

[wide45]

Did you notice that BE used the concept of patience, instead of discipline?

Some time ago, I asked a related question. As usual, BE had the answer.

Trust

[SiG Lady]

Lack of discipline is usually easily resolved by a conscious act of will.

[xsrdx]

Anything but alphas inside 50 feet is just totally inexcusable

Wow, clearly I have a long way to go.

I still get giddy when I shoot a WHOLE MATCH with no mikes - getting fired up over a Major C hit seems a little self-flagellating, especially if it's a fast C. Balance.

I don't think I've shot more than one or two stages zero down, ever. Doesn't happen much at my club, either - exceedingly rare among the top finishers.

100% A-hits is always the goal, but achieving it usually means you should be shooting faster.

[EricW]

...getting fired up over a Major C hit seems a little self-flagellating, especially if it's a fast C.

I used to shoot bigger and longer stages clean with my G19. To me, anything outside of the A zone counts as a personal zero - an indication of my failure to perform to a mediocre level. Missing with the STI is just damned humiliating.

You have your standard of performance, I have mine.

[Run n Gun]

Eric,

I’ve decided I too will hate YOU for MY lack of self-discipline. The way I figure it is that you’re so filled with self-loathing and doubt that a little more will hardly be noticed and it’ll make ME feel so much better! Besides, I getting nowhere blaming my parents, society, and potty training for all of my shortcomings. Wha’cha think? Deal?

Ed

[EricW]

Eric,

I’ve decided I too will hate YOU for MY lack of self-discipline. The way I figure it is that you’re so filled with self-loathing and doubt that a little more will hardly be noticed and it’ll make ME feel so much better! Besides, I getting nowhere blaming my parents, society, and potty training for all of my shortcomings. Wha’cha think? Deal?

Ed

It's a deal only as long as I keep shooting like a nitwit. The deal expires as soon as I start cleaning stages again.

[xsrdx]

You have your standard of performance, I have mine.

Well, ok, this is your thread so you can hate yourself if you need to.

If shooting all A's won matches, that would be my standard. For the most part, it does not.

Good luck in your recovery; perfection is always a worthy goal if you don't mind frustration.

[Run n Gun]

It's a deal only as long as I keep shooting like a nitwit. The deal expires as soon as I start cleaning stages again. 

Hmmm, so I’ve only got till the next match, huh? Well I’ll try to make the best of what little time I’ve got. Now on to 1959, it was summer…

Ed

[schmitz]

EricW,

Clean those stages, do it!!!Go for them Shoot the heck out of your gun, all A's!!

And stop hating yourself, 'cause hating yourself leads to selfdestruction (of the I(ego)). (and I want to see more of those nice pics on your homepage, Mt. Spokane, Zuzu etc.)

Lots of succes, DVC, Henny.

PS. To become... in the future is the most important thing in man's life!!

[Sam]

Psycologically, we are all different. We value things differently too.

So this goes for me only, I don't expect anyone else to understand. But I need to say it. I find that there is a huge amout of peril in always wanting more. It is very easy for me to get focused on a goal and pour myself into achiving it to the exclusion of everything else. With my shooting for instance, I set some pretty lofty goals. Sometimes I feel pretty crappy because I don't achieve them quickly enough.

I have to constantly remind myself that everything has a cost. If I'm doing this thing, then I cannot also be doing that thing. If I'm practicing, or reloading, or 'smithing on one of my blasters, it takes time away from other things I enjoy. Sometimes, I achieve a goal that I've sought for a long time only to be dissatified with myself because of all the other things I let slide while I was working on it. How good a shooter can I be? How much money can I make? How important is my job? Will I win my next match? Does any of it really matter?

Sometimes it takes more courage and dedication to decide to be satisifed than it does to set a higher goal. It isn't about what we are doing, or how well we do it. It's the why.

It's all in the why.

[Ron Ankeny]

Amen Sam.

Does any of it really matter?

In the end, no it doesn't matter one bit.

[EricW]

Well....right now my goal is to shoot A's on demand. I know that shooting A's only is not a match winning strategy. But that's not my goal right now. My goal, is to control my shooting.

And I'm not doing that. That was my point.

Franky, I couldn't give a devil's damn whether slinging lead with .12 second splits is a match winning strategy (I personally believe that it's only a winning strategy in the bush leagues), the shooting is only rewarding for me if I can walk up to a stage, call my shots, and shoot it with a level of smoothness, competency and discipline. Once I can do that, I'll figure out how to speed it up and go up the ladder.

[xsrdx]

Well....right now my goal is to shoot A's on demand.

My guess is, you already can.

The only variable is how much time you spend doing it.

D hits make me furious, so I know how you feel about C's.

Just visualize every target covered by a C- zone shaped no shoot....

[Sam]

Sorry Eric, I guess I drifted your thread a little bit there.

Almost everyone probably has a favorite Ghost Dog quote. Here's mine:

"We DOUBT that accurately reading the shot will produce the best result.

Therefore we occupy our minds with such illusions as trying (to go fast, or trying anything whatsoever); instead of decisive action based on commitment, trust, and determination. -be" 

I printed this quote from the forum over a year ago and posted it in my practice room. I saved it because it so completely answered my question of why I don't see what I need to see, but rip the shot off anyway.

Maybe it can help you too.

[EricW]

Sam,

You (and BE of course) are a couple o' smart dudes. That describes EXACTLY what's going on in my head when I go to the line. I'm letting "get that bullet out of the gun NOW" take the place of "put that bullet right THERE" and *allowing* it to go there.

[Sam]

be is the man!