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Farts


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A women who had suffered for years with her husbands vile smelly gas, finally decided to get even.

This man could take the paint of an out house door at 50 paces. They were load and offensive. Very few of their freinds would visit and they never got invited out. She tried getting him to a doctor for help, but he steadfastly refused.

" It's natural " he would say. She threatened him that if he did not get help he would fart his guts out one day and die.

One Thanksgiving Eve after her husband has indulged in to much beer and pretzels, they went to bed and he proceeded to stink the house up. It was possibly the worst he had ever been. The smell was unbearable.

She finally cracked. At 3am she rose and went downstairs to begin the preparations for the thanksgiving Turkey. As she worked away in the kitchen, she could here her husband farting upstairs. The smell that wafted down was vile.

A thought suddenly struck her as she removed the internals of the Turkey. She scooped them up in a bowl and carefully crept upstairs. Bowl in one hand and the other covering her face, she carefully entered the bedroom. Placing the bowl on the edge of the bed she slowly drew back the covers, then she lowered his shorts and poured the turkey guts into his groin. She put his shorts back and slipped out of the room.

Back downstairs she heard this ungodly scream as her husband awoke and discovered his shorts filled with entrails. She could here him run around screaming and shouting, barely able to contain herself she ignored his cries. Suddenly the yelling stopped. The woman was about to go and see what was happening, when her husband appeared at the kitchen door. He was ashen faced and his shorts were covered in blood.

"What happened dear?" she enquired.

"You were right, I woke up and my guts had been blown out, it was awful. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,

I got them all back in."

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From the web....

 

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. 

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. The I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, “No.”

I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?

“No,” he replied.

I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo….I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled…. “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!” While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!

Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time…I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did.

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On 6/25/2017 at 8:50 AM, Hi-Power Jack said:

Could a fart show up on a timer ....   ?    :huh:

At a local steel match:

Make ready.

     

     (the shooter makes ready)

 

Are you ready?
    

     (the shooter seems to be ready)

 

Stand by.  BLART!!!!!! (the RO cuts a loud one)
    

     (the shooter draws and begins shooting the stage)

After the laughter died down we had to do a reshoot since there had never been a beep.

 

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  • 7 months later...

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