At The Pearly Gates

[ErikW]

One day in heaven, Jesus gets a phonecall from St. Peter. "We gotta a problem at the Pearly Gates," says St. Peter. Jesus shows up and finds a confused old man standing next to St. Peter. "Apparently," says St. Peter, "he doesn't remember who he is."

"I'll handle this," says Jesus.

"Sir, what do you remember about life on Earth?"

The old man looks up, squints, thinking, then replies, "I...don't know."

"Where did you live?"

The old man pauses, then responds, "Somewhere...near the Mediterranean."

"Ah, now we're getting somewhere.  Did you have any children?"

The old man thinks hard.  "Yes, I had one son."

"What do you remember about him?"

"Hmm...I seem to recall a very bright star shining in the sky the night he was born."

Jesus perks up, startled.  "Did your son have...holes in his...hands and feet?!?"

The old man perks up, "Yes!"

Jesus shouts, "Father!!!"

The old man shouts, "Pinocchio!"

[spook]

[tightloop]

[Hey QuicksDraw!]

So the next day...

St. Peter is on duty at the PG when four nuns who died in a car crash step up to the gates and push but they will not open for any of them.

St. Peter says " No problem ladies, happens all the time, it 's probobly just a little risidual sin. Did any of you ever do anything I should know about?"

The first nun steps up and in says in a shy voice, "Well, I did touch a man part once with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says "No problem, dip the tip of your finger into that bucket of holy water and all will be well."

She dips her finger tip in the bucket, trumpets blare, angels sing, gates open, she walks thru and the gates close behind her.

The next nun steps up and says, "Well I actually held one in my hand once."

St. Peter says, "No problem, just dip your hand in the bucket."

She does and the angels sing, trumpets blare, the gates open, she walks thru and the gates close behind her.

The third nun steps up but before she can say anything the fourth nun steps in front of her and says to St. Peter, "Can I go and gargle before she sticks her butt in that bucket?"

[spook]

[tightloop]

Those crazy nuns....

[Merlin Orr]

PLEEEASEE don't start with the Priest counterpart to the last joke...

[zhunter]

[GrumpyOne]

And you thought the last one was funny...

[WaJim]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

[WaJim]

My favorite....

 

Ray the Chicken



Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. 
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'

Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ray.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

[Hi-Power Jack]

2 hours ago, WaJim said:

 Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

 

Ah, The Golden Years.   

 

Dropping from a B to a C, worried about dropping your firearm, can't hear the buzzer

and can't see the front sights ...

 

Love being OLD.   

[Dranoel]

I went to visit my Grandfather (85 yrs old) in the nusing home. I found him playing cards with a 75 yr old and an 80 yr old. I said, "hey, Gramps, how's life in the rest home?"

Before Gramps could answer, the 75 yr old says, "Life here at Shady acres ain't all bad. But I just wish I could take a healthy pee again."

As Gramps started to reply the 80 yr old interrupted, "I got no problems there. I just wish I could take a healthy dump again."

Gramps is getting disgruntled but calms himself and says, " I got no problems with either of those. Every morning, 7AM I take a healthy pee. 7:30 on the button I take a healthy dump.

"I just wish I could wake up before 10"